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Oh my god my text message that put deipnosophy in the context of a mid 20th century  upper class snob didn’t send to you. This is the low point of my life.

My dad has just walked into my work barefoot.

Hysterical laughing in bed on my own.

I’m going to paint that, it will be my masterpiece.

Darling I'm going to be in clerkenwell at 1pm tomorrow having just interviewed the president of the royal academy. Where will you be?

I like looking after you it makes me feel important.

Eeurghhh how could you. Naah joking babes, it’s all banter! I am the bantersaurus rex!

‘Women have the super seduction thing gwanin’ , wise words being thrown around the sexual health clinic.

Don’t bring him, he’ll only get excited then try and top himself.

Always hoping. Forever disappointed

They are a nefarious old bunch them dog walkers.

John described you as ‘an evangelical harpy in leopard print rummaging in our bin’ obviously that’s before he knew it was you

Feel guilty. Am on sofa. Feeling thin. Let’s get new jobs.

Andy has some ‘little shirts’ he would love to show you.

Gutted for me. I’m have a MARE with my school skirt.

Derk-derk-allah. Derka derka, mohammed jihad.

I know, it’s in white plastic box marked, ‘bum pads’

The code for the alarm is either 1920 or 1960.

Me? Oh how kind. I’d like some fancy scrap books, moustache soap from anthropologie, a manicure set, Rachel Campbell-Johnson’s biography of the artist Samuel Palmer, and a tasteful and not-too-gay metal cuff bracelet.

That’s nice. Who are you?

Oh ‘saddo’ you are the tits. Thank you for my semaphore.

I doubt it, insane bolts fastest speed is around 24mph.

Does it start on Saturday? I thought it was today. #footballfan

 I’m going to be sick on my shoes. At fucking war horse and want to go home.

life changing. Seriously. I wept.

Aah mate the jungle is mental and YES we got attacked this morning.

If you find any keys that aren’t yours in your home that’d be fine.

Bring on bed day Monday. Fuck i love jesus and his little magic tricks!

Too upset. Can’t write. They needed me! Found jake all good. Has beard. Women all on that. Losing at pool. Don’t tell chris. 

BEYONCE’S PREGNANT WHAT A BAAAABBBEEE

I hated it it was so awkward. I didn’t understand what anyone was talking about, I was just drinking and eating the free ham.

Was that funny? It was wasn’t it?