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She probably makes the felt with her own piss. She’s totally unhinged but in a nice way.

Part 2 of your Christmas present has arrived. I’ll leave it on my windowsill. That seems sensible.

Wahoooooo please don’t catch my eye though.

Beats sitting in some griege office in a next suit with a greggs for lunch. Basically living in one of those fucking yoghurt adverts.

GIVESIES

That’s my job, that’s what i do!! (Keanu reeves)

Alright boss, met you last week next to tescos roundabout. You out in thornbury tonight?

Yadda yadda bollocks shout keep schtum waft rage look at other side take to dye shop la la accounts time sheet cunt fuck face turd.

Balls eh?

Have a hilarious time. Enjoy the beer. And the ‘sturdy’ locals.

I’m not going to shag him until he renounces facism

Get it!!!

King David Waterloo Station. Sighted.

She even tried to give me a fake name! All I know is she’s cooking venison and we can’t be in the house.

We could always link up with Michael, if you fancy that, for added decorum and sobriety

What’s the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

I blame Lovejoy, what a cunt.

I made a hat and tie for seagull.

EVEREST.

Label ferme, rue peletier, courtyard bar mandarin oriental, grazie, mercie in nopi, plus bar at plaza athenee. Have fun!

Come for 1 and I’ll Russell us up some lunch.

Dear ms hart. Here’s a little reminder of your 11am-12pm order. It will be delivered by Andrew in courgette van LT57FYE you have no missing items.

Why don’t you open a florist?

What the fuck is made in Chelsea?

What was that shop that sells everything that might sell bubble wrap?

WHERE ARE YOU

Oh my god they are charging me £40

Boy George is here he looks like Jabba the hutt fucked a trucker and ate caesium for twelve years.

Oh jungle will solve all.

There seems to be some kind of medieval pirate sex conference going on in my hotel. I’m really worried I look like I’m part of it.

Of course. Please. Now.

Alright love, sorry my phone has decided to ruin my life.